It’s Your Improvement That Counts

Happiness does not come from having things or from having money. It doesn’t even come from being in a relationship or having children. Happiness comes from being able to be satisfied when you are alone. (This is actually my own take on the Rabbinical injunction to be satisfied with your lot. “Who is rich? He who is happy with his lot,” Pirkei Avot 4:1.) This is because I have found that to live a good life as a person with psychiatric disability, my social life has to be relatively limited. I have many friends, but I have to work in solitude as I have difficulties interacting with other people—and I know it!

And such satisfaction can occur only once you can see that you have improved your character since the last time you thought about the issue. Perhaps only at the new year, perhaps weekly, perhaps daily.

The Jewish word for prayer translates to “examining yourself.” Of course, you may not observe Judaism or indeed any religion at all, but philosophically-minded people throughout the ages have made it their practice, perhaps following the Jewish tradition, to make an account to themselves of where they have improved and how far they think they yet have to progress.

Benjamin Franklin was the most famous American to recommend this practice. But it originated long ago among Jewish rabbis and scholars. It is in Judaism called, “accounting for the soul/chesbon hanefesh.” Perhaps the clearest early-modern version is in Rabbi Bachya Ibn Pakuda’s canonical Duties of the Heart. In essence, a person following chesbon hanefesh keeps a dedicated daily recording of desirable character traits—written on the vertical axis of a chart (or lines in a notebook.) The days of the month are written on the horizontal axis (or across the top of a page. Daily, the adherent checks those traits upon which he or she assesses that it was a successful day. At the end of the month or the quarter, the person tallies the results and competes with past accomplishment to see progress. (There is always some progress because a person using this system is thinking so hard about character development.)

Holidays and Holy Days Alone

Go outside if you can, either accepting an invitation to someone’s home or volunteering at a charity function. But even if you cannot, make the day special. Change your normal activities for a set of different ones. Dress for the occasion. Decorate--or spend part of your day in beautifying your home for future enjoyment. It is a good idea to schedule a visitor or two. 

Follow the holiday’s customs to set the day apart--to a certain extent. There is a special elan in selectively observing. Something like serial monogamy. The Good L-rd will forgive you and you will have a more pleasant day. Don’t go further in this breach than your conscience will allow, but enjoy the freedom you desire. For example, if you want to eat only food that is Kosher for Pesach on Passover, and know that potato chips suitably labeled are permissible--but cannot find any in the store, purchase regular ones and enjoy eating them on the holiday. I’ve done this!

A Companion Animal--or Just Plants--Makes a Singleton Not Bereft

The best way of all to avoid loneliness if you live alone is to have a companion to tend to. Have I contradicted myself since you live alone? No! I am referring not to a human companion but to a doggie or kitty, either of which will become devoted to you if you treat the animal likewise. If your living quarters do not permit you to have a dog or a cat, perhaps you can bring in a bird in the parrot family, or at least a songster bird. If all else fails, you could have an aquarium. Or some rodent such as a guinea pig or hamster—note that rabbits are difficult to care for…. It is your tending to the animal that will give you solace. 

What if none of those animals will work out, due to expense? I suggest then that you have as many plants as you can manage to fit into your home, even if that be just a bedroom in a shared apartment. But choose them carefully! Start with those that even a person without a green thumb cannot kill—a spider plant is an example. Either an online search or a trip to the library will give you full details on easy plants to tend.

Avoiding Loneliness if You Live Alone

I assume that you have the gift of being able to leave your apartment. Even if you are basically homebound due to physical disability, travel as far as you can as often as you can. A trip to the mail box can be high adventure as change from your domicile. 

If you actually can walk, go for it! Go out at least once a day. Check out the changes in your neighborhood due to the season. Indeed, by walking at a moderate pace for fifteen minutes or longer, you will be improving your general health. (The necessary changes made for those who use adaptive devices such as wheelchairs, of course—and if you have such as ALS and are truly not leaving your bed, why, place it with view of a window and if medically possible, keep that window open so that you can feel the weather.)

Try to find alternatives to screens. Please see the sections, “The Importance of a Hobby,’ and “Find a Regular Weekday Destination.” If you can possibly avoid spending your time reinforcing your idea that you have a miserable psychiatric disability, do so. What do I mean? Try to find things to do and places to go that are not sponsored by mental-health providers or associations. Being with them for longer than you need to be for treatment could make it difficult for you to recover to your personality before you fell ill…. They underscore a label that has pejorative elements or stigma.

It is wise to avoid talking about your symptoms other than within the treatment environment. It will heighten the enjoyment others can take in being with you, to discuss anything but your pain. (This is true for any disease or disability.)

Money is a likely problem for many disabled people, particularly if they are unemployed. Check out free events in your locality. Often, the public library sponsors a variety of programs. Faith-based organizations such as synagogues provide many events besides services. (And you may find the services uplifting,) Your near-by parks have activities, too. Check the calendar that your city hall generates—you may be surprised at the variety of events that have no admission fee and are otherwise inexpensive or free,

My own favorite way of making new friends is to invite neighbors, one at a time, for tea and “a nosh/baked good.” Not all are excellent company, but the very activity makes for a good hobby. In addition, it develops community and I have an increasing pool of help if I run into need. Amazon sells Bigelow teabags, which incidentally are Kosher, in assortments of six boxes for under $16 each—herbal, green, or black teas in various flavors. I present a selection of all types in a dedicated flatware tray, so that my guest has quite a wide choice.